Equinox

Today, it has been one month since I released my second album “Dressage” into the world, and I wanna get real for a moment.

Like any other Monday, this morning I woke up groggy next to my husband, who always seems to wake up with a giant smile on his face. I drove across town with the coffee he made me, my release radar and a yawn, ready to teach my 8am piano student before he left for his day camp. I noticed the yellowing of the leaves and the tree sap stuck to my windshield through a blast of sunshine. I felt gratitude gently coarse through my veins, present and undemanding.

Then, I remembered my weekend and felt my heart twist. At a party yesterday, I had to stand up for myself, through tears, against a man who’d spent the entire time verbally abusing anyone who’d listen, even physically abusing several people. The day before, I had spent all day in bed, self-loathing, heavy, and hollow - it takes very little to throw me off kilter these days, and it had taken everything for me to get to that party. I was angry with myself: somebody chose to steal my joy and I let them. Why did I do that?

Living with CPTSD, I oftentimes feel as if I am split perfectly in half: sun and moon; light and dark; teacher and student. When I am in balance, these parts hold hands, flying through the stratosphere of my mind with ease, conversing with one another like excited best friends. When the opposite is true, that love turns against itself, replaying trauma, negative stories and fears until my chest feels like it’s about to collapse. Anything can trigger this dissociation, and I’ve only ever had real success understanding the roots of these feelings through journalling, EMDR and, ultimately, making music.

The music industry, I have come to understand, is a split universe. While I have encountered some of the most sensitive and creative human beings I think I will ever know, I also feel as if I am at a masquerade ball. There is a deep power attributed to creative talent and charisma that fascinates me; a great performance will have us thinking that musicians are magical in some way, and perhaps they are. To energise, heal and empower an entire room, to command the focus of a crowd, to make music for the soul - those are my kinds of superheroes, maybe yours too.

However, behind the mask, there are people who seek this kind of power, who don’t plan to do any of the authentic work required to gain the rewards of musicianship. On the surface, they are charming and skilled enough to get by, supportive enough of their fellow artists to book their next show. Often, a picture means a thousand words, branding helps that. Underneath, there is a desperate yearn for material success that they are inequipped to experience without manipulation. One of these people forced her way into my home a few months ago, using our collaborations and very occasional opportunities she’d given me to overlook the financial and mental abuse she had inflicted upon other artists over the years, with no intention to stop hurting people until she ‘made it.’ After getting removed from the place she was staying in, she demanded to move into my home, and, upon failure of this, coerced me into performing with her at her show in order to try moving into my house again. When I said no, she attempted to sabotage my album drop date with a song I had not authorised for release. She succeeded, not in releasing her song, but I felt like shit, and retreated into solitude.

While this might seem extreme, it’s not. There is an ominous compliance in the music scene with letting things slide to keep a steady ‘reputation’ in music. It seems to preys upon ‘kindness’ as if it were a prerequisite to advancing in our careers. I’ve had local musicians ask me to not express my feelings about someone’s tour manager threatening to hurt me, men trying to kiss me, general disrespect from local musicians/fans attempting to make sure I don’t step into their space. All the while, I have about 10 listeners a month, all of whom I love to bits for even listening at all. I am not a threat, I never have been, and never will be. My day job is music - I teach music, my hobby is music, my life is music. I don’t think it serves humanity to climb upon each other in an attempt to get ahead.

So - for the last year, I allowed myself to live inside my own musical labyrinth, channelling literally everything into seven complex, raw, and hideously strange songs. These songs felt so personal that I wondered whether it was even worth releasing to you all, considering them unfit for commercial viability. I shared these songs with my people, who encouraged me to release them and believe in myself. I performed these songs the night before, made one post, and let it be. I didn’t ask for anyone to listen out of reaction to what had happened, and I regret that deeply. I love these songs, deeply. I worked myself to death on the details, but that’s not important. The result is what matters.

I chose the title “Dressage” in reference to the olympic horsing sport, which basically exists for the sake of mastery alone. Horses on tip-toes carrying hundreds of pounds of body weight, playing tricks to of win awards that really shouldn’t exist - which is exactly what this whole journey has felt like. Playing a role to fit in. I did the exact opposite with this album, letting myself free flow, because that’s not what the experience of making music is to me, and I sure as shit hope it’s not that for you.

I turn my eyes toward the changing leaves, knowing all things are temporary, including our perception. Upon today’s equinox, and this new season, I bring honesty and vulnerability to you . Don’t let anyone’s perception of what you’re meant to want damage what you’re meant to have. FUCK that, and fuck anyone who’s bad to you. Like seriously speak up about injustice and inappropriate conduct, your voice is way too important to lose to the mist of bullshit sprayed by anyone who’s not aged out of high school.

With love,

Maginate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reading list:

“Leaders Eat Last” Simon Sinek

“The Sociopath Next Door” Martha Stout

“The Universe Has Your Back”